Last night I had one of those bi-quarterly conversations with my friend Henry because he likes to check up on my studies, and probably compare it to how he's doing.

When I told him how I did last quarter and how much physics and genetics ruined my GPA, he said I was too smart and crazy. As he was praising me, all I could think was wth is wrong with this boy, didn't he just hear how I did in those two classes? I'm sure he did, but all he said was that I needed to stop over-thinking things. This is all coming from a boy who when he is not doing silly frat stuff, is studying non-stop. It makes no sense. Now isn't that how school is supposed to be? Like say in O-chem. If you think a solution seems too simple, you're probably wrong and are missing something, right?

 

But all of this got me thinking. It seems that no matter how much I study, I don't know anything. Like, I know it may look like I understand the material because I take the harder, "better" professors and my GPA isn't the worst thing ever and still qualifies me to get spammed up by the silly National Society of Collegiate Scholars, but geez, I do not know crappp in school. All I have done so far is skim the surface of college, just trying to get by and beat the system and do whatever is necessary to get by with a decent grade, and what I think is most pathetic is that there is a lot of guessing involved in this. I make microscopic cheat sheets for tests if given the opportunity. I look at old examinations and quizzes from archived wepages to see the format, concepts tested on and previous questions, just hoping some of the same questions will show up. I memorize the silliest things and when I don't know something, I blindly guess.

And how do I come out in all of this? I'm the one being shorted, and not getting what I can out of this silly school. I take the 'better' professors thinking that even though I don't know shit, perhaps this professor can prepare me better for the next level in a continuing series and perhaps I can have a better foundation for future classes. I don't know how well that has worked out for me though and it really does seem that in the long run, I will fail. But what makes this worse is that when I do try harder to understand the material and examination time comes along, I see the test, freak out and forget everything I've learned.

 

So how, Henry, does this make me crazy smart?

I don't know.

What have I been doing with myself anyway? It is frustrating to see what and how I am. I hate how my little mommy is slowly losing all her hard-earned monies as she tries to pay for my 'education'. What education, anyway?

 

 

I really would like to change my habits for the better. A new quarter has begun and perhaps new habits can be formed. I've intentionally not taken classes with close friends I enjoy playing around with for a reason. I try not to get distracted and caught up with silly drama and crushes so my mind can focus. I need to sleep earlier and I'm even going to try to sit near the front of the room in classes where the prof writes on the board so I can pay attention better. Who knows how well this is gonna work out, but at least I'm making an attempt to fix this.

 

It's always nice to know that people like Henry, my parents and other friends believe in me so much, but I have to convince myself that I'm worth it, too.

You know that you're making it all come alive.

So today was my first tutoring day. What a rocky day. I first arrive almost late, and I find myself in the wrong classroom because the school never fixed the classroom assignment error on their computers.

Then I walk into a classroom with extremely rowdy children. I understand that this is a charter school for students whose families lie within the lower socioeconomic range, but I expected Preuss to have trained these students. I don't know. I guess that was one of the ideologies I had to let go of before stepping into the classroom. I'm not disappointed. My students look like good kids. Some are extremely friendly. Others give me stern looks, but I'll try to get through to them. I really hope they'll enjoy me as a tutor, though, because even though the material they're learning isn't super fresh in my mind, I still know it. It's somewhere in my head. :]

I hope I can help them understand their stuff, though, cus the kids are slacking. Senioritis, except for 10th graders. I dunno. I heard about their performance record and it's gradually decreasing. I'm worried. I hope my presence will boost grades?

On the bright side, we are going to be doing an ice cream lab. :D Who doesn't enjoy that, right?

My teacher is really cute, too. And she hates bio, just like me. I like her already. She is a little chatty and I gotta jet out of her classroom when the kids are dismissed, or else I would be late for my biochem class right after. Kinda sucks because I wish I could stay and talk. I wonder how I'm going to be able to discuss my project idea with her if I don't have time. I dunno. I'll figure something out. Maybe I can arrive earlier. gahh.  

 

 

ho hum, I'll blog more about tutoring as I continue.  

So I was thinking. I'm probably going to hell for the mean thoughts going through my head.

But I really think that bible study is hecka annoying and I just wish they would leave my apt. The only reason why I agreed to the stupid idea of having a bible study in my apt was because she asked in the beginning of the year and I didn't know her and I was just trying to be nice, but geez. Don't you guys have some better place to go to do this? There are like 20 something people, all with places to go. So why my apartment? Why do you guys keep coming back? >:0

The worst part is that now that the participants in the bible study know that my apt is "cool" with them here, they come over for any occasion, such as birthdays and stuff without asking. You guys are hecka noisy. roar. I want to kick everyone.

I hate just walking out to get something and everyone gives me the meanest stares, as if I don't belong in the apartment, even though I live there. The least you could do is introduce yourselves, yeah?

For the past couple of days I've been tutoring, I can say that I sometimes feel more of a messenger than a tutor.

But I cannot complain about my experience today. I was borrowed by a history teacher to help out one of his blind students with her test.

 

I gotta say, I've never interacted with the blind before. Normally when I see them around, I try to keep my distance so I don't obstruct them as they're walking. It's not that I'm trying to shun them or anything, but I dunno, it's just how I initially react to the situation. But today I got to work with one and it's amazing how well they are able to listen and retain information. Bright kids, too, I must say. As I was reading the questions and answers out, she instantly knew which letter the answer was. I mean, I can't be totally sure she was right since I didn't know a thing they were learning, but she seemed pretty confident.

Amazing.  

Event: Campus Loop.

What happened: Sylvia and I ran campus loop yesterday. That was horrible. D: I am so out of shape, and Sylvia sped off in the beginning not even giving me a chance to warm up.

Outcome: I felt like throwing up after.

 

Event: The Great Campus Race

What happened: Sylvia and I were team "Cupid's Lovebugs". We were given a list of 11 clues that corresponded to locations on the UCSD campus. In order to complete the race, we had to solve all the clues, run to the locations and take a picture with it.

Outcome: Solving the hints took forever and we barely made it in time in the end. Since we obviously wouldn't have gotten in first, we just tried to finish the race and see if we could win the raffle. Of course, lucky ol' me who seems to be pretty good with raffles got called on the first ticket picked up and I won some monies to some restaurant.

Now I am hecka sore from all that running in two days. Still a fun day. :] The actual pictures I probably won't post up cus I gradually got uglier and uglier by the location. :D hehe

 

[Edit] So the actual scores and results from Great Campus Race got posted up here. It's kind of funny. Sylvia and I came in last place. lolol.

Now in defense, it's really hard coming in last place. hahaha of the 110 teams, only 55 came in, so technically, we were better than half of the competitors. :]

But with a teamname like Cupid's Lovebugs, it only makes sense we were last place.

So is it weird for me to say that I feel really detached from everyone?

So I don't know if I mentioned this, but last quarter one of my friends from home was killed--no actually, murdered.

It was a typical scenario of some kid street racing and evading the police, blah blah, but anyway . .

the girl was charged on 4 felonies and a minor.

What was the ruling?

3 months in a probation camp.

 

Wow . . u_u only in America.  

 

 

. . and its effects on you when your life is going downhill.

 

I never take good advice when it is given to me. I don't have enough belief. I know that the places people talk about do exist. But everything that happens in my little distorted bubble of a world convinces me that I'll never have the opportunity to be at those destination points.

This right here is a hill. Right here. Do you see it? Well if you don't, there is a hill right here. Ok. Watch carefully. This is me, bending down and hugging my knees.

And now, this is me rolling down that hill.

I'm gonna keep rolling and rolling and I'm not gonna stop. Why? Because the natural laws of this universe say so. You can't mess with the natural laws of the universe, can you? No. You can't.

No one can help me. My life is going downhill. Pretty darn fast too. I don't really know what to do about it. It's ok, I guess. I've always preferred going downhill rather than uphill anyway. Like walking up and down long staircases. I think most fat people would probably agree with me. So maybe going downhill isn't so bad. Eventually I'll hit something solid and have the chance to catch my breath and exclaim "Wow, that was a nice little roll down the hill, but it really hurt. Phew, I hope I don't have to experience such pain in this life again!"

For now, I've decided that I'm just gonna let momentum kick my butt and lead me wherever it will lead me. To hell with it! I gave up fighting it a long time ago. Well, not too long ago...maybe around 10 months. BUT WHO'S KEEPING TRACK HUH?!

 

OMG I AM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW.

Not.

So lately, I've been in sort of a funk.

For one thing, I've noticed that I talk to people a lot less than I normally do. I'm usually so chatty, too, right? Well I think so. Like yesterday when I went to the movies with Marvyn and his gang and they all asked what's up with me and I had nothing to say. Like seriously, nothing came out of my mouth.
It's almost as if I'm ignoring people on purpose . . but I never mean to do that. There's usually a motive behind everything I do. This anti-social character of mine . . I don't know. I've always been an introvert. Meyers-Briggs proved that to me.

I don't want this to get to me. I know I tend to push people away, and this could probably the worst time to do that, because this is when I need them most. And normally I don't push everyone away at the same time--just one. Then why am I pushing everyone away? I don't understand myself.
And I am such a bully. Oh my gosh I wish I could stop. It's not like I actually beat people up, but I can say and do some pretty mean things. I wish I could stop. Where did this cynical attitude come from.
And why am I like this anyway? I wish I could just blame it on the weather like I do for everything else, but I'm sure it's not the weather's fault.

 

I think I just need to get away.

It's crazy how spring quarter just passes by. I seriously think it's only second week, but it's actually like fourth.

With the quarter slowly progressing, the issue of housing comes up once again. I hate dealing with housing because nothing ever seems to work out and it just makes everyone stressed. Last year I had a good set up with Sylvia, Pisha and two other girls, but we got screwed over with our sign up times.

This year, earlier Jenny, Sylvia and I wanted to live together with a group of six. I know, sounds like a lot, but I really didn't care. Now I'm basically sure that isn't gonna work out either. Sylvia was the one who said she doesn't know how she's gonna live without me. The feeling is likewise, and although it's sweet of her to say, we know it can't happen. I wish she would just say it flat out that it's not gonna work because the other part of the six aren't cool with six people. I feel bad saying that I think she should just stick with the group she promised to live with, but I don't want to force people to do something they don't want to.

So with that probably messed up, I think Jenny and I are off by ourselves. Kinda lonely I know, but what else is there really to do. Kristine asked if we could be a backup for her. I totally don't mind, though it's kinda weird because last year when we were together, we had issues. It only started because of something totally stupid, but we get along just fine. I guess it's always better to live with someone you're not totally close with. That way you know that if something goes wrong, you won't be ruining a good friendship. I just fear that I won't see Sylvia again when we part . . .

 

ugh, i feel like screaming 

Hey Dork. Cheer up

 

 

                 - The Dorkus.
 

I remember falling for that a while back because I guess I am that gullible.

So today I received an email from 'Bank of America' telling me that my account was frozen because someone has tried one too many times and that I should update my info to increase my security or whatever.

There I was thinking, "Oh crap!" and clicked on the link provided to update.

 

Luckily for me, McAfee noticed that it was a scam and blocked the website for me. I can't believe I almost fell for it. This one seemed too real. :[

 

 

 

oh ps. hi martin