Whenever I wish upon a star, I always wish for happiness.

But for some reason, I am never truly happy.  

If only I could stop wishing for happiness and just be happy. That would be so much easier.

 

But I think too much. I think so much that my head has begun to hurt.

 

School is winding down and I'm really trying to make the best of it. You know, spend time with the people you enjoy most, patching up any bad relationships and all of that stuff.  

But there's just one thing that seems to be falling apart.

 

I seem to have lost my roommate.

 

She's never in the apartment anymore, and if she is, she's with Nguong . . and well, Sylvia just treats me differently when Nguong is around. They sleep over at each other's places all the time so I have an empty big room many nights, and gee, that's just lonely.

Call me jealous, I don't care. Whatever, I probably am. I'm probably bitter too. Because there's like what, 2 or 3 weeks left and my roommate, whom I love to death, doesn't want to be around me anymore. I can basically guarantee that we're not going to see each other much next year. Positive. Why would she want to visit me when she has Nguong. And why would I want to visit her when I cannot stand her future apartmentmates and know that she probably wouldn't pay attention to me anyway. It just doesn't work out. Sylvia has the rest of her summer, next year, year after probably--the rest of her life to spend with Nguong and only so much time left with me, and she'd rather spend this valuable time with her.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be doing that. I'm trying to make the best of my time left with people I fear I won't see much next year. It only makes sense in my head. I don't know. 

 

So if anyone ever asks me how I'm feeling and I say that I'm okay or good, I'm lying. 

I'm frustrated.  

One of the worst feelings . . .

 

is pretending to like someone when you really don't.

Tutoring my students really is how I clear my mind from everything. When I'm at Preuss, every trouble I have back at school (even though I'm technically still on school property) just disappears. I'm so focused on my students that nothing else really matters.

 

I love my host teacher, Ms. Biersbach, I really do. I love tutoring her class.

At first, I was skeptical that these students would let me into their lives and that I'd actually be an effective tutor.

But when many students come up to you, even students not in your class, just to thank you for the work you've done . . well, you just feel like you've made a difference.

My class gave me a standing ovation today, and it really does tell me that my haven is soon going to be gone. I'm bummed that it has to end.

 

 

Anyway, Ms. Biersbach tricked me, but I still like her. She has been telling me for weeks that she was going to my EDS presentation to show off my project, and all I could think was "Crap, I can't bs this now! I gotta make everything look nice too!" and freakingg she didn't show up!

She's probably just being her busy self, of course. She did send a close teacher friend of hers to come in her place, so I like to believe he was there just for me. Thanks for the support.

I love how a little personalization goes a longgggg way.

 

I would assume that the Preuss students are used to receiving gifts from their tutors, since well, there are tutors in most of their classes and I bet most of them (Except Brian , heartless boy) are bound to give parting gifts.

 

Because I loved my students that much, and because I thought everyone else was doing it, I gave my students some goody bags with "My Lucky Test Pencil"s inside. I sewed little ribbons with their names onto the pencils and wrote their names on the funky looking bags and I cannot believe how excited they were when they saw the personalization. They are too cute.

And although I wasted a good portion of my life working on the silly project for them, and wasted valuable sleeping time for them, I still wanted to spend a chunk of my valuable poorcollegestudentfunds on them.
Their gratitude and hugs were seriously enough to make me feel it was all worth it.

 

 

ANYWAY, I'm anticipating Ms. Biersbach email so I can get my class picture(/whatever she has planned for me) with my students. :D Send fast, cus I get antsy and cannot focus on studying for finals when I'm like this.

Class. Is. Over.

 

Lecture is done and my second year at UCSD is basically over. One more week of crazy exam preparation and finals and I've finished.

I'm not sure how to feel. Relieved that it's over, or frightened by how old I've become and how near reality is. I think I'm leaning towards the second option. Help.

I am the ultimate retard. Not to mention a horrible relative/cousin.

 

So earlier this morning, I receive a friend request on Facebook from a Kimberly Huynh from Rosemead High School. Being my retarded self, I sat there for about 5 minutes trying to remember who this person was.

 

Who the heck is Kimberly? I dont' know any Kimberly.

Why can't I look at her profile?! She added me!

Do I even know anyone with that last name? I don't think I do.

Who do I even know goes to Rosemead High School?

Is this just some retarded person adding me because I live in a neighboring city?

 

After giving up, I gave in and just added the foolio thinking I could delete her if I had absolutely no idea who she was.

 

Then it hit me. She is my cousin!
What is a 10th grader doing with a Facebook anyway?

 

It's not like she's one of those cousins I don't like from my dad's side. She's a cool gal, but geez, I can't believe I didn't know her last name after 19 years of my life. I think I deserve an award for Worst Cousin ever?

I must be some kind of 'tard.

 

Every time I want to write the letter p, I write b instead and vice versa. Why?

I've been doing this for a few weeks now, and I really don't know why. I'm lucky that I've been able to catch myself doing this, but sometimes I don't.

 

This can probably end up pretty bad because I once wanted to write the word "peer" in my EDS quickwrite, and I wrote "beer" instead. :[

So I'm kinda worried about finals.

Then why am I not studying?

 

I don't know. I remember one of my favorites, Arthur, telling me that I shouldn't study because study = worry.

Gotta love him, but if I were half as smart as that boy, I wouldn't be studying either.

 

 

Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm secretly laughing because the Lakers are losing? Oops not a secret anymore. Thank goodness no one who cares too much about them reads this. :D  

 

My momma always told me that although studying is important, I cannot forget to sleep and eat. No mom, I haven't forgotten. I just don't have the time, nor do I feel hungry much. And because I've been living at the library to enhance my studying, and well, to get away from my horrid apartment, I am not able to waste my mealpoints, nor eat my fruit in the refrigerator.
I told my mom about 3 weeks ago that I finished them. I'm such a liar. I think I still have like, 6 more pears to go. I dunno how I'm going to accomplish that if I cannot stand being in my apartment for a long period of time, but it will be done, because I don't know how I'm going to explain myself Friday when my parents come to take me away. ANYWAY

Finals week has seriously taken a toll on my health, and it has only been two days. Not only am I stressed, tired and restless, but I haven't been eating as much.

If I were a smoker, I would take a break, leave my laptop unattended in the library and go outside and smoke an endless number of packs to calm myself down.

 

But since I'm not, I just saved myself from having my computer stolen, some monies on cigarettes, and some years of my life.

Sadly, I am still stressed, tired and restless. Such a dilemma.

Oh yeah, I just wanted to add, "Fresh" is seriously the new "Cool". No kidding, right?

A lot of underwear.

 

So now who says the library is dull?

Confucius says . . .

 

 

This saying obviously applies to time, because 6 o'clock could not come any slower. I want my finals to be done with already. I want to go to earls to waste the last of my mealpoints. I want to pack up completely, and not only partially due to lack of time. I want to play. But most of all, I want to go home. 

Studying for my last final--ochem--is seriously the worst. I already studied for days for my past two midterms. I'm just tired of the material, and here I am looking all over at it again? I don't wanna. :[ And I really do wish Professor Finn loved Claisen as much as Professor Tor and I do.

Opening up WebCT is like one of the worst feelings ever. My heart races. I become tense, and I bet butterflies in my stomach. I then shut my eyes really fast, and slowly open them to see if new grades and an announcement gets posted.

 

Yes, this is for O-Chem.

 

My heart skips a beat when I do see the new information posted. I'm scared shitless as I look at my grade posted, and then there comes a sigh of relief. 275/300 on my Final. Booyah.

I then look at the grade breakdown. 515 points total for the A. Going back to the grades posted, I count up my points. 509.

****.

How uncool. Never can I get a solid A in O-Chem. You'd think I'd get a break considering I basically read the entire book and did almost all of the problems. But no. This wraps up my straight A-'s in o-chem. mmmhm. And what sucks is that I know that if I weren't such a slacker in ochem the past two quarters, I could have easily gotten the few points I needed to break the A range.

Helloooooo Tabulas. Here for more updates before I forget whatever goes on in my life.

Summer Break is here. For two weeks. I've already been doing nothing for about a week or so, but that's okay. School starts on the 30th, but I think I am officially moving in on the 27th. I kinda wish my parents would just let me drive down there myself the day before so I can play around at home for a little longer. I'm taking all my bulky stuff down there on Saturday. I'm not sure how I'm going to fit my mattress, bedframe, coffee table, desk, tall lamp, multiple small lamps, bedding? and a chair when I get it all in my minivan. Seriously, dad, whatchoo gonna do. I don't think my momma can fit in the car once we put everything in, really, but he doesn't want to get a U-haul.

I think I've disappointed my momma with my average'd gpa for second year because I didn't hit 3.5 and she can't sign me up for the Teo Chew Association Scholarship. But I was hella close. Sad. Stupid Physics 2B and Genetics. Every other grade of mine was just fine. I'm also a little bummed about my Structural Biochem grade. It's not that it's bad, but if my prof's grading weren't so lame, I'm sure I could've came out with a better grade.

I was on the phone last night with an old friend, and I realize I shouldn't be complaining about my GPA because I'm probably making people like him, feel bad about themselves. I seriously didn't realize he was a bio major, though. Sorry. I'm glad I got to talk to him, though, because he made me feel like what I was doing to Sylvia was not wrong. I'm still hella mad at her, but whatever.

I think my break seems too short. I know it's hot at home, but 'sokay if I don't have to study, right? I dunno. To pass the time though, I've been doing some silly, pointless things. I've been watching a lot of anime movies, something I thought I'd never really do because I like to make fun of anime freaks. But they're entertaingly sad. I dunno. Anyway, what else. Oh, Marvyn isn't mad at me anymore. FINALLY. That butthead was really pissing me off.

 

Oh yeah. I'm getting emo glasses soon. I wonder how I'll look, how annoying they'll be, how others will receive it. I don't know. One of the main reasons why I'm getting them, is because, well, I'm hella blind and the thick frame can hide how thick my lenses have to be. Sad, really. When you have to get your lenses thinned out, you know that you're blind.
Time for a new change I guess. I'm also growing my hair long. Hopefully I won't get too annoyed. And hopefully it won't turn out so bad. I'm excited for new looks.  

'Don't you think dreams and the Internet are similar? They are both areas where the repressed conscious mind vents.' - Paprika

I should be doing better things with my time since my break is so short, but I'm hooked. I've limited myself to short films and movies, because I'm too lazy to start a series, and become completely hooked like the anime freaks I like to make fun of. Don't worry, I'm not going to start trying to speak Japanese. I'm simply entranced by the beautiful animation and storylines.

So here's what I have watched so far.

 

• Paprika
  
• Ah! My Goddess the Movie
  
• Air [TV] the Movie
  
• Chobits
  
• Kare Kano
  
• Pom Poko
  
• The Place Promised in Our Early Days
• Whisper of the Heart
• Voices of a Distant Star
• 5 Centimeters Per Second
• The Girl Who Lept Through Time
• Howl's Moving Castle
• Tokyo Godfathers

I will seriously watch Paprika by the time my break ends. I'm just afraid to watch it when I have the most time -- at night.

 

[Edit] sorry sark, i tried to watch your weird evangelion series but got bored and stopped :0
And okay so I'll watch short series. :D What can I say, it's a good way to pass time.

There are people employed as movers for a reason. U-hauls are available for a reason.

 

But my parents are too cheap for that. Rather than making one trip, my parents decided to move half of my junk down today. We somehow managed to shove a mattress, wooden bed frame, and desk pieces all into my minivan along with three people. Of course we had to break some laws to do this. Shh. I'm sure the fines we could have racked up would be well over 800 dollars. =X

 

What is it that you're looking for? Is it something that's hard to find, and you looked in your bag and your desk, but you can't find it. Do you still intend to look for it? Won't you dance with me instead? Wouldn't you want to . . . Wouldn't you want to go off into a dream? Into a dream . . .

And to this day, it still makes me smile to hear from my students. It's good to know they miss me and still check up on me.

I'm still amazed by Thomas. Working so hard, supporting his family, man of the house, still extremely low income, ADD, smart as hell, and so . . happy.  Why can't I be so strong?

 

I hope Ms. Biersbach emails me back soon.  

laststarrynight.tumblr.com

 

i hate to rant. but

i love to have a place to do it.

tumblr.com

my savior

 

warning.

secret, please